Amy • Beloved • WanJung

Something really bad just happened at school these two days, and several students from overseas were supposedly kicked out of the program. They broke the rules that we’ve made clear to them, and.. anyways, the whole situation was really stupid and sad. 

So, supposedly they should be kicked out of the program and homestay, which we’ve stated the consequences on the contract with the group. However, my supervisor felt bad for the students, so she decided to take the 2 girls from those problem makers. 

I finally met the two girls today. They walked in the office asking for my supervisor’s husband to take them home. (Well, her husband is my supervisor too...) He is still busy at work, so the girls stayed at the reception area for him. 

Then, I wanted to be friendly with them, so I approached them... After awhile I just gave up. They just kept complaining about the school, about the program, saying that it’s all our fault, homestay is blah blah blah.... When I talked to them, especially one of the girls is filled with hatred. It’s just her second day here in LA, and she decided to hate this school and stuff. She didn’t even want to join the field trip with the other students. I kept silent, but inside it was rage.....  Before I left, I told them to have fun, and this girl with much hatred just gave me this face and said in Chinese that this place was no fun. I told her that if she kept thinking this way, no place is fun for her. Then I left. 

While I was driving home, I was just so angry that I knew I had to stop and pray. As I were praying, I started to cry. I realized how bitter she is. She never feels sorry for her behavior and attitude, yet kept attributing faults to everyone around her. She blames everyone but herself. She even complained about my supervisor’s place.....  She is in such a little world of herself, with all this hatred, negative thoughts, and complaints. She forgot that she was supposedly be kicked out of the program (yet she stays) and the homestay (yet my supervisor takes her). 

Lord, you know I have nothing to offer You. Not a piece of me... You don't deserve something like me..... When I look at myself, I don't know how you are going to use me.
But You love me.... for a reason that I still don't really understand. Why would you want to call me? Why would you want to deal with me? Why would you want to use me?
You love me. You are jealous for me. You want me back, just that I can live a life worth of living. You don't save me because i am smart, cool, or capable. Glad because i am not smart, cool, or capable. Maybe that's something wise in You. You didn't create me to be a 能幹, smart, 了不起 person. I am slow, blunt, having problems in communication, even languages....
So I know if anything good happens to me, it's because of You alone. It's Your grace that I can stand here, unashamed. No matter how the world looks at me, You still see me precious.
And you know what? You are the best thing that's ever happened to me. ;) Love you, Father.

當我的重心跑走的時候，當四周 + 自己的聲音越來越雜，靜不下來。最近我到底在想什麼？是自己的意思多過神的意思，是在意別人的眼光多過於神的眼光，是想討好人，想要爭取到人的注意。真的掙扎，我在幹嘛？每一個心思意念，神喜悅嗎？每一個留言，每一個comment，每一個following，每一個click..... 

Father, only in You, I am satisfied. 只有在祢自己的裡面，我才會忘了我自己，忘了我的己，so lost in your presence, love, and mercy...  祢知道我，search me.... coz I can't reach. Yet you are madly in love with me. Father, don't give up on me... help me to follow You. 我迷失的時候，叫一下我，讓我可以回頭看到祢。

Word of God speak
Would You pour down like rain
Washing my eyes to see

God's just amazing. With all that, I thought this Easter would be the most difficult one for me. but instead, I've experienced a.... very special experience this Easter.... how He changed me again and again, turned my heart, soften me.... and with all disappointments, God still used this ministry that I have been struggling... He just removed the bitterness within me, and lifted my soul. 

still, need to re-evaluate my serving at church... seriously... 

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need to adjust my life again... with FB, caffeinated drinks, and TV back to my life.... (totally lost the other one -- staying up late...)   

I probably won't catch up on FB... too much for me. Someone, update me....  

How you impact the world. -- my title for the movie. ;)
When I watched it, I knew there was something more in it that the movie was trying to avoid... that is Christianity. I could even sense that it wanted to make fun of Christianity (just a little bit, or just make fun of some Christians), but no one can deny that the Tuohys fear God and are followers of Jesus Christ. It was pretty interesting, of course, that they are like a typical White family, but they've done what the Lord has told them to. They did it their way, and dedicated to it. Sometimes when I looked at myself, I knew I don't have a gift of giving and mercy. I am actually short of it. I knew that God has given us different gifts to fulfill his Kingdom and build up churches. Together we are a body, a whole... I appreciate what God has given me, but I still pray for a heart to give. Coz it's the spiritual principle that God has clearly stated...
You know the funny part is... This side of me felt "they could do that because they are rich." yeah... so they made it big. And I simply admired Leigh Anne, not that she has a gift of mercy and giving, but that she used the most of it. She even engaged the whole family to be part of it. God has blessed them much, and they are willing to give.. or I should say, giving is just their lifestyle.. I don't think they force themselves to give. They give. I was recalled one of the “callings” that I received from God – “live simply; give freely” That’s how I started all the cooking, stopped all the unnecessary shopping, and tried really hard (and still struggling) to live a simply lifestyle. But to give is never easy to me. Each time I made donations, I calculated carefully how much I have left. 斤斤計較… seriously!!… I totally feel the heaviness of the pen when i write a check.....  need so much grace in this area. I have received so much, yet giving is still difficult…
And I see all those teachers, willing to give extra care to Michael, realizing he has a different style of learning. That is simply amazing... also how his friend's father would want to get Michael into the school. I have to say that God has prepared all for Michael, how he entered the Christian school, how he met the Tuohys, even with his biological mother. Yeah, Michael is lucky, and how many other "Michaels" out there are still suffering?
Later when I googled the movie, the family, and Michael Oher, I found this:

My sharing (summary) on "God Writes Your Love Story" by Eric and Leslie Ludy.....   

《上帝也寫羅曼史》書摘，很多內容是抄書的，所以發現與書中內容文字相同，請不要意外

作者：Eric & Leslie Ludy

這本書，其實audience 是給教會的男男女女，我們這樣在教會長大，或者在教會一陣子的，都會知道很多教導，很多rules，知識上知道為什麼，感性上卻不那麼明白，所以一直都身體力行得很辛苦。作者也是如此，過著道德的生活，守著教會教導的守則，可是卻把感情處理得一塌糊塗。神就告訴作者Leslie：「我知道你將來會嫁給誰，而且我有能力把他帶到你面前。你是否也相信我是創造天地萬物的主，比妳更了解妳自己，我會以我的方式，我的時間，把他帶到妳的生命，不需要妳幫忙。」另一方，男主角也是，他說如果神把十個女孩放在他面前叫他選，他會俯伏在神面前說：「上帝，祢比我更認識我自己…還是祢來選吧！」神對我們的戀愛生活有興趣得很，祂不只是要我們遵守條規而已，祂要參與在當中。

所以整本書，一直在挑戰讀者，把筆交給神，讓神來寫你的羅曼史。

This is the draft of my sharing @ New Life (our young adult fellowship) on Feb 19, 2010. Sorry I don't have an English version...  Feel free to google translate! ;P

從去年三月起，神開始了我一個很特別的旅程，雖然至今我仍然有些疑惑和掙扎，但是也有些心得可以跟大家分享。

去年三月份，聽到團契裡有姊妹在fasting，那個時候的我就很想試試看，我回想我生命，從來沒有願意為神放棄什麼，我可以自以為為神做很多事情，或者有些操練，但都是比較「放」「熱鬧」「轟轟烈烈」「一群人」的，例如說服事、敬拜、事工性質的東西，但是比較「安靜」「我一個人」「需要付代價的」，我回想起來，類似這樣節制性的操練，我都不能長久，後來思考，真的是因為有太多東西不想放手給神，我像是以色列人，只想要為神去打仗，可是在那之前40年曠野漂流、神訓練以色列人的那段時間，我不想要，不想先在曠野裡面被操練成順服軍令的人。

那是一個40天的fasting，是在復活節以前，紀念主為我們受死。但是後來許多人以此來省察自己生命，來禁在我們生命裡掌控最多的東西。

第一次有這樣的操練的時候，那段時間我過得很喜樂，可能是我這輩子最喜樂最有力量的一段時間，因為對我當時來說，第一次能夠真的放棄這些轄制我多年的東西，真的心裡很自由，生命變得很真實，神變得很真實；以前碰到困難想逃避，可是現在想面對，每天都很喜樂，也很想禱告，很想親近神，當時我是失業的狀態，時間也是多得很，沒有咖啡因的飲料，我晚上就很容易累，特早睡，早上起床就很想親近神，即使當時碰到一些心裡很難過的事情，我也都會回到神面前禱告。

as i finally put those singers and songs together, i got a lot of surprises! that's why i am sharing a lot of songs right now... ;P
And sorry, the official music video (which i thought was touching...) can't be embedded because EMI owns it... Here's the link.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Duj9sS-mqSo
Lose My Soul -- TobyMac
(feat. Kirk Franklin, Mandisa)

so, after inviting her several weeks and after several weeks' of her busy schedule, adele finally went running with me today! To award her good performance today, i promise her to dedicate one post to her... ;) 

曄曄好棒~~~ 

and what's interesting is that, Darren promised her to run double for her: if she runs 一圈, Darren's going for 2 圈!   Isn't this excited?   Better than the weight plan: Adele gains 1 lbs, Darren will lose 5 lbs (?)...... That'll never come true... I am little faith. 

So, run people, run~~~ 

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful

最近的功課，學得很辛苦，可是又很欣喜。

最近發生一些事情，讓我很挫折，而且讓我整個情緒起來，很生氣，而且事情是一個接著一個，還沒解決前面的情緒，後面的事情就來。可是竟然在這幾天，經歷到神平撫、釋放我，那樣完全的平靜，原先的氣憤就不見了，當我一個轉念想到神，祂就安靜我的心，讓我能夠被轉回來，然後反而能夠認錯、道歉。

以前，這樣的 frustration 可以持續好久好久，到後來會長出 bitterness，然後心裡的憤恨會不斷，但是原來經歷到神是那麼自然的一件事情，我不需要做什麼，也許就是一個小轉念、一個禱告吧，神就要做事。當然我事情本身還是處理得不好，只是這樣的經歷真的讓我驚訝。那樣的平靜，一分鐘前還好生氣，結果轉瞬間就變了。

當然還不夠，我覺得心裡面最核心的那個問題，我還在找，雖然說處理掉那個問題也不表示我這輩子不會再生氣，不過...這就是成長嘛！

王的心在耶和華手中，好像隴溝的水隨意流轉。

Sigh...  so, guys! Although I can see your comments and questions through emails, I have no idea which ones you are talking about...... Sorry that I can't reply either. and........ Adele is going to shut down the email notifications for me, so i won't receive anything from FB. 

This year I started earlier. Just... last night I was wrestling with God and struggling to give "the pen" to God to write my love story. (ok, this has been on for several days... since i started When God Writes Your Love Story.)  So while praying and journaling, recommitting my life and marriage again to God, I thought it would be good to start fasting. It's all about giving up my right of something to God, so... 

I am fasting...  

1. Facebook
2. Any caffeinated drinks